Last week I had dinner with C. She tells me about having been with her husband for 23 years and the desire to be alone. Why? Because she’s never been there, done that. I have, so my perspective is different than hers. I neither talk her out of it nor encourage her. I listen and watch. I understand her 100% and tell her so. It’s a familiar itch, a question she has as she is approaching the official middle age of her life. What would it be like to live alone, to do whatever she wants without having to think about him? To have total freedom.
And there it is again, that unbearable longing for freedom. I wish I had the answer(s) for her, but of course I don’t. I’ve for one never been with anyone for so long. I’ve never had such an intense longing to live alone, to be “free” in this way. 7 years ago I made the conscious choice to walk out of a marriage that was not right for me. It was painful for both. He was a good man, but our differences were too great. He had no dreams, no desire to grow, to learn, to have social contacts. For several reasons I understood it, could live with it for years, but eventually I could no longer accept that life for myself. I was still too young and not willing to sacrifice all of it. I have no regrets.
C. cares for her husband, they have a lot in common, they get along, she has an active life with him and with herself. But the relationship with herself lacks intimacy, it screams for more attention, she wants to explore the attractive unknown. And for now this picture does not include him.
How do I help a friend who has a realistic need when I know the enormous risk involved. She knows that too. Once she was very close to leaving it all behind – the nest of familiarity, habit, comfort, and even freedom. The first dinner we had together, I saw it. As she talked about friendships with men, there was a twinkle in her eyes. They shone over to the side as though fantasizing. It was quick, almost unnoticeable, but I caught it. There was an aura looming around her. I didn’t ask her because we were just getting to know each other and I was still testing the waters of a new friendship. I first needed to find out what type of German woman she was. You see, Germans are good conversationalists, but they are masters at self-control. Being overly cautious when it comes to showing emotions, vulnerabilities and weaknesses is deeply engrained in their psyche. When I later concluded that she was not that typical German woman, I lured it out of her and my suspicion was confirmed. It was a quick thing: affair, move out for a short time, return, end the affair, realize she didn’t really want to leave her husband. It was not worth it. Not for another man. After much analysis, we both concluded that she had handled a tricky and precarious (to the relationship) situation with dignity and respect for all involved. Case closed.
And now, after several years have passed, that aura shines again. What was is then that has returned today? A longing, a fantasy, curious entertainment not for another man, but for complete freedom from a too comfortable, stagnant relationship. She talks about her inability to blend her own personal growth with the seemingly lethargic status quo of her marriage.
I refuse to encourage her to run away. Perhaps 10 years ago I would have, but not today. I’ve seen and learned too much about fantasies turned to disappointment and boredom. My choice was the right one because I knew it for years and tried all the tricks (these were very creative years for me).
I tell her this instead: you have blocked and restricted energy that needs to move. This is a fact. You need to find an opening…. Not the quick fix and “easy” way, which seems to be the default solution for most people facing such a wall (break up, find a lover, move out, live it up etc…), but by unlocking a door for that energy to flow through and out of you. Try this first. Make it a ritual and buy yourself a notebook and pen. Whenever that energy arises, find yourself a quiet space and write down your feelings, your longings, your questions. Let your imagination go wild on paper, release the pressure. See what it does to you, where it leads. Talk to me when you need to. Figure out what exactly you are missing. Imagine living that life with all that it entails. Whatever you do, don’t lock that energy into a dark and damp room in the corner of the house of you.
While talking, I noticed her eyes glowing with every word and her body relaxing. I don’t know if this will be the solution, but it may stall a drastic decision that she may deeply regret. I am not saying that her leaving is the wrong choice. What I am saying is that it’s what too many people nowadays do too quickly because they think there is no other option. If she didn’t love her husband anymore, I would probably suggest otherwise. But she tells me that she loves him and that she would probably never feel fully free because she couldn’t live with the knowledge of how many people (including herself) she’d be hurting.
Perhaps this is a short term solution, but what is an alternative to leaving a marriage after so many years? There are people who have never regretted it, others don’t leave but have affairs, others stay but are miserable… the list of unsatisfactory actions is endless. Where are the books that address acceptable actions in a healthy and realistic manner?
I’d love to hear, dear reader, your stories, ideas, suggestions…
behind my open doors 